


Not Cool Enough to be Halloweentown

by mybelovedcheshire



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bodyswap, Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-04
Updated: 2012-10-04
Packaged: 2017-11-15 15:32:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/528799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybelovedcheshire/pseuds/mybelovedcheshire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Avengers high school AU Halloween body swap PANDEMONIUM. </p><p>It's funnier than it sounds, I promise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Cool Enough to be Halloweentown

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LEXYPANTS](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=LEXYPANTS).



“Barton, while I am not morally opposed to having another man give me a massage -- is there a re--”

Nick sat up abruptly. Or rather -- Natasha Romanoff sat up abruptly. Clint stared.

“Motherfucker,” Nick muttered. 

“Fury?” Clint asked. 

“Somebody better tell me what in God’s name is going on right now.” Nick looked down at his petite, startlingly white hands. “Damn. That’s just wrong,” he growled. 

But despite his very bizarre predicament -- he was rather lucky. He might have literally been in Natasha’s shoes -- but he wasn’t sitting across from himself, watching another person operate his own body.

Which was precisely what Tasha was doing, through Clint’s eyes.

She was Russian. She was accustomed to very strange accidents, and inexplicable circumstances. 

Never in her life had she expected anything like this. But all things considered, she was dealing with the change remarkably well. 

Clint was not. Clint was several rooms away, and breaking everything in sight. Though, in fairness -- his actions didn’t seem particularly extraordinary, given that they were being performed by none other than Loki, who had something of a penchant for both anger and destruction. 

Phil-- or rather, Phil in the extremely large shape of Thor -- watched helplessly. He’d swaddled himself in the only blanket on the bed he’d woken up in.

The bed he’d woken up naked in.

Naked, in another person’s body.

Beside an equally naked Loki Odinson.

In any other circumstance, he might have been able to react rationally -- to deal with the chaos of a strange happening, and set it to rights. It was his duty, as the president of the student council at Shield Academy. He was quite talented at all kinds of diplomatic rodeos, and having to make difficult decisions under pressure rarely fazed him.

In fairness, he felt that this particular disaster didn’t qualify as something he could fix.

A still very much naked Loki roared angrily and put his foot through the front of a wooden cabinet.

Across the hall, Tony reached for a pillow smother the sound. He was of the opinion that people who made any noise at all before three in the afternoon, should be taken outside and shot. 

“J,” he whined. “Get them out of my house.”

The house’s AI system seemed genuinely confused when it answered. “Pardon me, sir?”

“Whoever the hell is SHRIEKING in my HOUSE. OUT.”

Fortuitously -- there was a benefit to being just a really, very intelligent system. The AI assessed the shouting matches, panic, and disorder happening across the whole of Stark Manor, and immediately formulated a hypothesis.

“Sir, I believe there’s been an incident.”

“Not now.”

“Sir, if you’ll please look in a mirror.” 

The nearly opaque, black tint on the room’s windows shifted to a reflective silver at JARVIS’s command.

“I think you’ll find that you are not yourself, sir. And neither is anyone currently within the residence.”

Tony opened one eye and groggily searched for himself in the reflective windows.

Nick Fury’s face stared back at him.  
“That’s not good.”

“I believe that might be an understatement, sir.”

Tony rubbed his-- Nick’s face with both hands. “Can I just--” He took a deep breath. “Can I just go back to sleep? I’m dreaming. This is some kind of terrible dream, and it’ll all be over in a flash if I just go back to bed. That’s how that usually works, right? God, talking with this mouth is-- why doesn’t it move the way I want it to? I don’t like this, JARVIS.”

“The younger Odinson doesn’t seem to be faring much better in your body, sir.”

Tony froze. “Loki’s in my body?”

“I believe so, sir.”

“I fell asleep with Pepper last night.”

“I’ve informed Miss Potts of the issue, sir.”

“And?”

“She is threatening Loki with an incapacitant spray, sir.”

“Wait, is Pepper still Pepper? Get everyone into the party room. Whose body is Fury in, if I’m in his and Loki’s in me?” He stopped again, bunching his hand into a fist. “JARVIS, never let me say that again.”

“I will do my best, sir.”

It took the better part of an hour to get the eleven of them back to the room they’d demolished during the previous night’s Halloween festivities. Thor found it very difficult to walk in such a small, compact form as that of Phil Coulson. Clint only stopped destroying parts of of Tony’s home when he learned that his body had been invaded by Tasha. 

Of all the possible outcomes, he’d gotten rather lucky. 

“Could everybody just shut the hell up for a second?” Tony demanded. “I need to know who is in whom, and-- JARVIS, do we have any name tags?”

“Oh, I do,” Pepper answered quickly. “They’re in the top drawer of the desk in your room.”

“JARVIS, get Dummy to bring those to us. Thanks.”

“Of course, sir. And I believe I’ve assessed the damage, though I’m afraid I have no idea how it happened.”

“Yeah, I don’t think any of us do.”

“You need to stop talking,” Nick muttered, pinching the bridge of Tasha’s nose, with Tasha’s hand.

“Thanks for that, Jessica Rabbit.”

A few of them had lost their Halloween costumes from the night before. Some -- Natasha included -- were still fully dressed. She rocked the tight red dress -- but absolutely everyone in the room was aware of the fact that it was Nick Fury inside. 

Nick was doing everything in his power not to acknowledge it. 

“Shouldn’t our--” Steve kept his hands at his sides as he straightened up, trying to adjust to hearing Maria’s voice as he spoke. “Shouldn’t our priority right now be undoing whatever it was that happened last night?”

“Yes,” Tony agreed. “And while we’re at it -- let’s privatise world peace. Simple, right? I want to know why Pepper is still Pepper. 

“Is anyone else still themselves?” Bruce asked. In Steve’s body, he’d camped out next to himself -- or rather, next to Maria, who wasn’t handling the transition all that well. She was doubled over, and rocking slowly, having pushed Bruce’s glasses up into his fluffy hair. “Yeah, I’m sorry-- I’ve got high blood pressure and... a couple of other things.”

She groaned. 

“JARVIS, we could do a virtual hologram of everyone, projected over the people they actually are,” Tony suggested. 

“To do so would cause a blackout in the remainder of the manor, I’m afraid, sir. And quite soon after, the rest of the street. Ten holograms on moving targets would require an enormous amount of energy.”

Dummy rolled into the room holding a plastic box of labels. “So name tags it is,” Tony conceded.

“Indeed, sir.”

Tony scribbled his name on one, stuck it in the middle of his chest, and passed the box to Bruce. 

“I do not suppose you have the technology to dematerialise two people, and then reassemble them, Stark?” Thor asked. Coulson watched himself speak with a slight grimace. 

“Uhhh, no. I do not. And neither does any private organisation on this planet.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of himself smirking. It was his body, and his face -- but it wasn’t his smile, and something about that was just freaky and fascinating all at once. 

‘How about that,’ he thought. 

Pepper cleared her throat as a series of badly timed, exceedingly inappropriate ideas ran through his head. 

“So, basically we’re fucked?” he asked, tearing his gaze away from himself. 

“We are not fucked,” Fury cut in. “I am getting out of this body if I have to cut it open with a hacksaw.” Natasha glared. “No offence, Romanoff.”

“I think we’d all like to get back to our own bodies,” she answered. “Preferably without lasting damage.”

“Preferably without any damage,” Tony amended, glancing across the room again at his own body, and Loki. 

“Maybe we should just avoid touching altogether,” Phil added quickly, trying to keep the pitch of his voice steady. His concern was a strange thing to see on Thor’s typically buoyant, cheerful face. 

Loki smirked again, and Thor smiled. Coulson’s face struggled to accommodate.

“Yeah, big man, if you could stop eyeing me like that,” Clint asked with Loki’s mouth. He had both hands on a pillow over his crotch. “I’d appreciate it.”

Pepper clapped her hands. “Everyone, just find seats away from each other. You’re all labelled now-- hopefully that will lessen the... nightmare that’s happening.”

“We still don’t know why it’s happening,” Bruce said quietly. “And we don’t figure it out soon...” He looked down at himself. Maria was doubled over. “It might get nasty.”

“Good god,” Tony chirped. “What the hell is wrong with you, anyway?”

Maria let out a dog-like whine.

“I’ve got some issues,” Bruce answered. “The sooner we get out of this mess, the better.”

“Agreed,” Nick added. 

“Alright, so. Let’s--” Tony picked up a wireless computer keyboard and began typing. The large television at the front of the room flared to life, displaying his manor’s complex-looking operating system. “Figure out where everyone is.”

A blank window opened and Tony glanced over his shoulder. “JARVIS, make two columns. Everyone on the left, and the body they’ve been dropped into on the right.”

“Yes, sir.”

A list appeared on the screen almost instantly. 

Tony Stark Nick Fury  
Nick Fury Natasha Romanoff  
Natasha Romanoff Clint Barton  
Clint Barton Loki Odinson  
Loki Odinson Tony Stark  
Thor Odinson Phil Coulson  
Phil Coulson Thor Odinson  
Steve Rogers Maria Hill  
Maria Hill Bruce Banner  
Bruce Banner Steve Rogers

“Shall I include Miss Potts, sir?”

“Nah, I think we can handle that. Thanks, JARVIS.”

“I can’t decide if it’s more or less horrifying, seeing it written out,” Clint said. 

“Definitely more,” Steve answered. 

Pepper sat down quickly. “Why am I special? Why didn’t I get put in someone else? What’s the correlation? I mean, is there a pattern? Is there a reason Thor and Phil just changed places? Why didn’t it go in a circle? Just put each of us in someone else-- how did it even happen in the first place?”

Thor leaned forward. “In my experience, magic rarely lends itself to an easy explanation.”

“Magic?” Pepper repeated, her voice going up several octaves.

“This is you, isn’t it?” Nick asked, glaring at Loki. “You love your sick little pranks -- this is one of them.”

“While I relish the disdain, I assure you I had nothing to do with this.”

“Please don’t use that accent with my voice,” Tony interrupted. “You make me sound like a jerk.”

“You are a jerk, Stark.”

“Thanks, Barton.”

Steve covered his face. “This is giving me a headache.”


End file.
